Excerpt from the Recovery Blog of Olivia Celine Crane
Sunday, 2034-10-21, Day One
809 Days After
Happy Birthday to me. I’ve managed to last another year After. 365 days of not giving in to my nightmares. 365 days of fighting for some semblance of normal. 365 days of baring my soul and mapping it.
Today I said goodbye to my therapist, Dr. Macklin. I won’t be going back. I’m not getting better going over the same ground again and again. Picking at my wounds will never let them heal and I’m just raw and open. If I’m asked one more time “How does that make you feel?”, “What do you think that means?”, or “Why are you afraid of x?” I really will go mad.
And a part of me won’t care if I did.
I can’t let that happen. Even though I feel hideous and I don’t know what anything means anymore and why I’m afraid of everything all the time, I just can’t let that happen.
I have to find my own way back, by my own methods, in my own time. Otherwise, I’m just using someone else’s framework as a crutch. It can’t last.
Nothing lasts forever but I don’t need forever. I just need a lifetime. And right now, I’m not living. I’m just going through the motions. That stops today.
So, birth day?